I'm a Billionaire, did you know?

From today’s McSweeny’s, “How to tell people you are a Billionaire without sounding obnoxious.”

1. Excuse me, but did you know that I am a billionaire? Well, I am. Nice wheelchair, asshole.

2. Pardon me, but did you drop this wallet? Oh, no, wait. I dropped it. I guess because it was so full of money. (Sigh.) Billions of dollars, in fact. Come back here or I’ll hire someone to kill you.

3. My, what a cute baby. I have a baby at home made entirely out of one-hundred-dollar bills. Why do you think Jesus loves me so much? Is it because I am a billionaire?

4. What nice weather we’re having. I enjoy the rain. I also enjoy inviting a bunch of orphans over to my house and telling them that I am going to adopt them. Then, at the end of the day, I gather them around me and, after pausing to puff on my pipe, I say, “Just kidding, jerks.” I am a billionaire.

And my personal favorite:

5. Do you know what a billion dollars looks like? I guess not, because you are blind. I’m sleeping with your wife.